Inevitable Commitment

What a perfect place to be at. The room is dimly lit, orange light reflecting from the curtains that I am not familiar with. I get the feeling it’s a sunset, although it’s minutes past noon. A sunset is what would make this scene more sensible, and everything going on in my body and mind appeals to sensible, appeals to romantic.

This is not the first time I find myself laying on his chest and tangled between his arms. This is the first time though that I have this heavy feeling in my heart. I want to look up to see if he’s sleeping already, but I am scared. I imagine his angelic face with his eyes closed, and although I have seen it before but paid it no mind, I do not want to see it now. I risk it triggers feelings that I do not want to have.

The muscles on the upper part of my thighs are tightened and I feel a sense of burning between my legs. This is not something that I am not used to, but how come my heart this time is at sync too. My heart is heavy and my chest burns. The only relief to this is the three magic words “I love you.”

I enrage at the thought and completely dismiss it from my mind. I am not anti-love, but I am anti-commitment, anti-possessiveness, and anti-relationship. What comes with labeling your connection with people ruins the entire concept. When people know that they have duties they’re entitled to, and rights to follow up with, their expectations skyrocket, and what’s worse, is that their relationship becomes driven by fear of loss instead of by the original emotions and state of mind that is created by the connection.

I know that, and I hold firm to what I believe in. What makes me think about wanting to change the dynamics of the relationship now? I know I have much more to lose than to win if I fall in love, and make of this a traditional boyfriend girlfriend relationship.

I find my relationship with Mr. pretty-eyes extremely fulfilling. Never have I engaged in more interesting conversations, or have heard more fascinating success stories. Never have I encountered someone who respects women the way he does, who is all in for equality. Never have I laughed harder at somebody’s jokes. Never have I had better sex. Never have I been that impressed with any character I have encountered. He makes me feel like the woman I want to become, the liberated, strong, responsible woman who is in control of her life and her vagina. The woman who is ready to defy society and live by her rules.

Why would I risk losing this unconventional connection that for a simple “I love you” and a valueless title of “girlfriend”?

I am not possessive. I am not weak. I can handle an open relationship. Life is complicated. Life is not only marriage. Always think beyond the box that the society have set. Since I know it won’t last, then I better enjoy it now. I repeat those words to myself to shake off the Disney Princess moment that I had earlier.

“Seesee, hey”

What a sleepy sexy voice. He interrupts my train of thoughts. His ten minutes nap must’ve been over.

“Hi Jojo.”

Now that we have cute nicknames for each other that consist of repeating one syllable twice, I think that this will soon turn into a huge, inevitable mess that might as well hurt me. I do not want things that hurt me.

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